The Assurance Of Continuity
I talked a lot about my financial woes, especially in this post, it's not uncommon to begin to see the futility of working especially when you've lost your only sibling. However, reality is a different kind of demon.
The fact that you're alive, whether you're grieving, crippled, sick, or suffering any form of deformity, be it physical or genetic, you're going to have to pay bills. This is because living is expensive.
Whether or not you now hate life, you still need to pay to eat, shelter, clothe, and run your life, and money is not an emotional tool. It doesn't come because you're grieving and need to stay off work, it comes with dogged intentionality.
So life is loveless.
Everything we see is mere connection based on things to benefit, it hurts to know, but it's the truth. We were given this responsibility to live, we fell in love with it and sometimes, we don't mind the struggles that come with it, as long as we have the people we love.
I'm not sure if I have anyone I love again, (I'm certain it's the same vice-versa) because face it, the concept of external love from someone you do not share a default connection with is a mere charade, and based on the principles of "things". You get to learn this when life hits you too hard.
So, the thing is that I was beginning to hate the concept of work, it felt futile, it was not justifiable anymore to me, and I began to withdraw.
My brother's passing was the last straw, I'm going through a myriad of challenges, but hitting me with that final straw felt like KO. I still wake up every day with a massive lump in my throat, and the fear of the consequences of the mistakes I've made in these past few months.
I know I'm going broke, but this is probably the least of my worries. My worry is being stuck in this bubble of sadness and waking up without any motivation, this alone truncates any material needs or responsibilities.
Oddly enough, someone sent me some hive yesterday, I lauded their intent and not necessarily the gift because it takes a lot for someone to think of you in some specific manner these days while manifesting those thoughts physically.
I'm not taking it to heart, I guess it's because I'm super sensitive these days. Sometimes the smallest goodwill or neglect tends to trigger me. However, it's difficult to kill your expectations when you're vulnerable, and needing closure. I've taken time off from so many things, to recharge myself mentally.
Again I've started to engage myself off-hive to see how I can generate some external funds to take care of my bills. I do this because I mainly want to disconnect, forget that life is cruel, and maybe find even the slightest spark of happiness. The biggest problem is waiting.
Time seems to pass too slowly nowadays, maybe it's because I depend on its passage to find healing, and closure and free myself from pressure here and there. It continues.
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Sorry bro I pray it heals ur pain very quickly
Thank you
"The Waiting is the Hardest Part."
The Waiting by TomPetty Source
This used to be one of the favorite artists of my late dad. Love this music!
And yes, waiting is hard. It's about what we do, instead. Still training myself at this, I am doing a lot of waiting, here in Portugal.
Sending love!
Waiting is truly the harshest part. It feels too long now, and believe me I know how it feels. You want time to pass quickly, it feels unending. I just want everything to mellow, pass and..... Maybe ease off.
It's quite a emotional song
I can't fully say I understand how you feel, but I've got through and still going through difficult times like this, irrespective of how we feel, life goes on aanand as such bills accumulate, I pray you find the strength to come back stronger, its a phase, it will pass.
Thank you, what can I say... I've seen a lot of things in life, but to experience this kind of hurt is quite different and dissimilar. Thank you for your well wishes, I'm praying earnestly too.
Living is quite expensive especially in our own clime were the only thing you don't pay for is the breath of life...
Waking up to reality can be heartening, but there's no one else but you in your world so we got to deal with every pin of responsibilities...
I wish you a quick revival,
Thank you, I can't say I don't understand life. However, I'm beginning to see life from a different scope and perspective as well. It's a terrible thing to do.
Take care my friend...you too will scale throu this
I'm glad you are coming back stronger
It is obvious already
God will be with you in this hard time
Be good!
Alot of things can affect how we view Life. One thing is certain which you know is true, life must go on, do are the bills and all.
You'll surely scale through. Grace up bro 👍
You've started a good step to finding happiness again, it will all make sense soon, do the things you find pleasure in and just take one day at a time.
God will make everything beautiful in his time my friend. I wish you the best.
Thank you, I'll make sure to do that
I'll be glad. 🤗
Life is not easy especially when you are struck by a bolt of lightning as happened to you, Your pain is great but you must be strong and time will lighten the burden you are feeling now.
The spark that will rekindle your will to look at life in a positive way will come, you just have to endure and be strong in this moment.
A big hug
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@tipu curate
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Thank you for the kind words. It's hard I must say. When the loss is too personal, it might just be difficult for time to heal, but I'm just hopeful. Thanks for the support always.
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Oh wow Jose, life really hit you hard with the passing of your only brother. Am glad you are sharing the load with the Hive community, it gets lighter the more you share. You being alive and sharing is a blessing to everyone of us and I want to encourage you to keep going on matter what. The fact that you are alive means your mission is not over. Keep doing what you love best, that's what this life is all about :}
Thank you for your encouragement, I'm certainly using hive as a medium to keep up the faith in this trying time. It's been truly difficult, I won't lie, but I'm hopeful
Life always gives us a reason to doubt our existence but that is why we are wired to keep our hope and strength alive and keep moving. I am glad you are returning back to your feet.
I won't really say I am. I'm etched in gloom and sadness all day, it's been more harder than I thought. Yet, I think I want to be hopeful
It sucks to deal with pain but I hope you recover soon. I am glad at least that you are starting to move onwards outside of Hive. Maybe doing that will redirect your mind from the pain.
Time feels too long nowadays, I just have to give more meaning to my life, else it'll be difficult for me. Fixing my time here and there should do the wonder
I can understand this pain because within 2018 my mother also left this world and she was only 52 years old and after her departure we have also gone through a very difficult time with a lot of trouble. One has to face then time passes, one realizes that what the world does to him is a terrible thing.