MEMORIES OF HER
Karina looked at the market in front of her, standing still. Her legs unwilling to move further. It's been two years since she last stepped foot in any market. Going to the market used to be her and her mother's thing. They would go shopping almost every weekend back then. Her mother would carry her around the market, showing her off to her different customers. It was the one activity they often did together. But ever since she died, last two years, Karina couldn't seem to bring herself to go to any market at all. The memories of her mother were just too much, she couldn't handle it. So she avoided the market like the plague. Whenever she needed to go shopping, she either ordered it online or found someone to get it for her in the market, but had never been there herself until now.
As she stood still, looking at the market ahead of her, it was just as she remembered it two years ago. The noisy environment her mother always seemed to have liked. Her mother had once told her, the noise was like music to her ears. She always loved an active place, filled with people and sounds and despised being in any quiet or dull place. Karina fought back the overwhelming feelings of sorrow, grief and loss that were slowly creeping in as memories of her mother attacked her relentlessly. She forced her feet to move forward, before she would turn into a crying mess. This was what she had been avoiding all these years. It was easier to pack up all those memories and lock them up in one place. It was less painful that way. She had successfully eradicated anything that would trigger a memory of her mother. That was her coping mechanism. She figured if she didn't remember, it wouldn't hurt as much as it did.
But now here she was, about to relive all those memories she had kept locked away. Every nerve in her system screamed at her to turn back. If she could, she would have done that a long time ago, but she had no other option. She needed to get something in the market. She had tried ordering online, but they had redirected her to their main branch in the market. And that was the only shop that had what she was looking for. With a firm resolve not to break apart, she forged ahead.
Little by little she walked round the market, relinquishing the feeling of being back there. Her mother had made her love shopping. Going to the market with her mum was always a fun activity. She went store after store, revisiting her mother’s old customers she knew back then. They welcomed her happily and also empathized with her about her loss. As she moved around she noticed nothing had really changed. It was the same: the number of people that crowded the market was impossible. The smell of different perishable items being sold on various table-stands was still the same. The loud call by different men and women aimed at potential buyers to buy their products were still there.
She passed by a woman selling accessories and turned back to take a look at the necklace the woman was holding. It was very similar to the one her mom had got for her on her birthday. She reached for it unconsciously, rubbing her hands over the delicate design on the pendant as sadness took over her.
“It suits you", the woman commented.
“I guess I’ll take it", Karina said as she handed her some money.
She continued her walk in search of the shop. That was the first time she had ever bought something on impulse. She always stuck to her list. On the other hand, her mum was the queen of spontaneous buying. They would go shopping with a few lists of things and come back home with more than expected. Everyone around the house knew her mum was a shopping addict, and a dangerous one at that. Now it seemed like it was starting to rub off on her as she yet again made another spontaneous purchase.
Soon enough, she walked into an old antique store. This was the last place her mother and she visited before she passed away. She wiped out a drop of tears that fell through her eyes. Looking around the place, she saw keychains placed in a small glass showcase. She couldn't help but walk towards it. A sad smile took over her face as she remembered how she used to joyfully collect keychains from different stores whenever she went to the market with her mum. She had so many collections of keychains she kept in a small box in her bedroom. As she stood there reminiscing about the past, she realized that, in a bid to block out all the memories of her mother, she had unconsciously lost a part of herself too.
As she went home that day, although she didn't find what she went for, she found something even better: herself. She finally found peace. She realized that her mom wouldn't want her to be sad while thinking about her. She knew she was now in a good place. She searched for all the old boxes containing her mother's things and started going through them, one by one, reminiscing about the happy times instead.
