Working (For Money) To Fill A Bizarre Void
Today, I'm going to be getting an invoice and a payment for some fringe jobs I've managed to execute in the past three weeks.
It's not a life-changing sum, it'll take off some bills like the electricity, for 2 to 3 weeks of supply, then food for probably a week or more, and take care of internet expenses for maybe a week as well. Maybe buy some medicines as well, then I'll still have about €3 to €4 left, maybe to take care of any tiny expenses that might just come up as miscellaneous.
For 3 weeks work, 4 to 6 hours a day. That'll be approximately 84 to about 100 hours,
that's to say if I worked for days, it'll be 5 days or a bit more of constant work. I know I'm not exactly talking about the figure, this is because I'm exactly not focusing on the figure.
I'm focusing on how I've been able to give my time to this job, despite how I've constantly run away from giving it my time and effort. I started in April and never took it seriously, I worked on and off, and sometimes I just completely stayed off for weeks without any input.
I felt it was taking my time, and the tests and qualifications for specific jobs were too testing. While this isn't entirely false, I tend to think that sometimes, we need a different kind of nudge to do things we wouldn't normally do. I'm my case, pain, and the need to fill up my time was why I went back to working this job.
Two weeks after my brother's passing, I was so empty, I couldn't do things that excited me, not Netflix, not cable TV, not taking trips, and eating out. So the time I spent doing all these were wanting. I'd spend them in endless agony, crying my lungs out and just wishing I could end it all. Seconds became eternity and eternity failed to end.
My life practically became a living hell in that first two weeks
This was why I decided to go back to that job I felt was not worth my time, and I did some of the training and qualifications. In the past, I failed over 50% of the qualifications, this was simply because I wasn't really interested.
But I found myself passing up to 70% this time. It's psychological, I felt I had to pass to do the jobs, and if I failed I'd go back to spending my time in agony, in endless depressive thoughts, and I was desperately trying to not let this happen.
I still had hours after the job to fill up, but unfortunately, I could not work 10 to 12 hours as this would mean spending more time on the job. A lot of other workers were allocated time.
Apparently, a lot of people need jobs in the world. For me the reason was different. I could even do volunteer work as far as it meant not having to have idle time.
I found no joy or pleasure in watching TV, or even cooking for the thrill, it was hellish, (and still hellish)I'm surprised how things like pain, fear and the need to fill a void can push a person to work extra hard, and never even feel the need to take a break wouldn't even be there.
Pain is a terrible motivator
.....it makes one endlessly wallow, trying to fill the void of despair and anxiety. On a positive note, I have some money to pay some bills, for up to 2 weeks or a little more.
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Always throw myself into work when something huge hits me off track, even though the mind is not in it, it does give some direction in getting through the days.
Now you have achieved a little more than you had if you sat around moping, this is always a bonus at the end of the day.
!BEER
I still have time to "mope", but it's lesser than it was weeks ago, as it was almost unbearable for me and I didn't see the need to keep going. Thanks for the kind words.
We never really get over loss, somehow have to find a way to carry!
You're right, I'm a testament already
Keep going strong!
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BEER.Woow This is a motivating post, I have read your words from beginning to end and it has captivated me. I am very sorry for the loss of your brother my friend.
I agree with everything you say here, and I have also lived the experience of occupying my time caused by pain, seeking to invest, work, train, do anything to maintain the body and busy mind.
This phrase has stayed in my mind and is terribly true.
I hope you are well and things get better as time goes by, a hug for you!
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Thank you. Pain is a terrible motivator indeed and I won't want to wish that on anyone. It's been tough and rough and I'm just about getting by and nothing more than that. Trying to keep busy does not also take the pain away completely, but it greatly helps a lot in many ways.
Thanks, I'm glad you can relate.
It's like a way to ward off the pain very temporarily, although later the feelings invade.
Thank you for sharing this and I wish you all the best. We have to keep going @josediccus 💪🏻💫🙂
Yes, it does the job temporarily and there's nothing bad with having a temporary way to heal before the long-term does the job.
That's right, friend!
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Try to focus on that positive note ;<)
You can do this!
Well, that's one positive out of the whole thing, as much as I'm still knackered and exhausted from the whole "waiting" to heal, I can pay some bills.
Good and I guess it took your mind off things.
Worrying is probably the most unhelpful thing to do now for you ( it actually is, for all of us ).
Once heard a wise man say ( after a life time of thinking ) - or I read about this - that worrying is one of the most unhelpful habits to have.
And believe me, I rock
edat it!💚
Ahhh it is. You're right.
There are so many things we know that they wouldn't help us, but yet, we involuntarily do them. The capacity not to is dependent on discipline and training, and I pray, hope to get there soon
Exactly. It's not easy to rewire our brain. It takes a lot of commitment but it is possible :<)
The two weeks must have really been quit difficult phase for you. I understand how you might have feel knowing you lost someone close to you deep within
Yes, hits me everytime
Staying idle or wallowing in pain could be dangerous at some point if one does not make it a motivation to do something to fill the emptiness within. You are right that pain is a terrible motivator because at that moment, when there is nothing left, you will feel like embarking on a task that could take your time away from brooding and living in anxiety all day.
Glad you passed the qualification and was able to get some pay to settle some bills. Everyone should endeavour to find that nudge to keep going no matter the circumstances.
Yes. Surprisingly, I'm never idle. Most of the things I do at my spare time contributes to how I spend 24 hours of my time. Unfortunately for the past four weeks time hasn't passed the way I want it to, and the year has refused to end. However, I know I'll gradually find other stuffs to fill this enormous time I have with.
Yes, it is because of what happened and with time, everything will turn to normal and find things to occupy your mind with.
If keeping yourself busy is a way to reduce the pain or help you to stop thinking, pls do
The first two weeks may be stressful maybe because you just started
You'll be fine
I love how you are staying positive
Keeping busy is the antidote for pain, it is still there but it dulls it so that you are not left desperate. Being idle Will make you continue in depressing thoughts. I'm glad you found a way to contain those weighing thoughts. Be around people some more, I mean people who are willing to help you 'snap out of it' and please do force yourself to have fun too. Your brother wouldn't want you to delve deeper into melancholy, I'm sure he would want the best for you still. Stay strong!
Pain pushes us to do things that we won't normally do, just to fill the void and not sink into it. Work is always a great way to occupy that period, as it can be productive and rewarding. I usually prefer engaging in physical activity, giving little chance for the mind to wander.
Work is good, but I think overtime one can eventually undergo stress and causing exhaustion for themselves. I'm trying hard to get rid of mine, it's becoming too hard to live with it, and I'm doing anything.
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Thank you
I am glad you passed the qualifications this time. It is very interesting to see. Putting yourself into work can also be another way to let things out.
You are doing vert well, and I am super proud of you.
Thank you
You are welcome 😊.
It's nice to see you recover. Going from 50% to 70% is already pretty good. Life is tough but you are recovering slowly and I hope the recovery process goes well.
Can't say it's recovery, some days I'm doing well and somedays I'm just back to square one, struggling to hold up.
These words got me thinking. Your post here capture a lot of valuable lessons we can learn from the human nature in dealing with pain and loss. You going out to work, trying to fill the void is just the right thing to do, than just sitting down wallowing in pain and agony. More healing grace my friend 🙏.
A person should never work hard thinking that he will get money, but a person should work hard thinking that it is necessary for him and will be very important in the next life, then he will get success.